Monday, March 28, 2011

nerves

I'd like to have everyone labor under the belief that I am ever in control; cool as a cucumber. That I am unshakable and stalwart and unwavering.

But I'm not.

Don't get me wrong: I'm uber tough. I've been through more than most and I've come out, not unscathed, per se, but definitely a refined, bettered, honed version of Holl.

And now, with surgery looming nearer on the horizon, the nerves are setting in.

Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes there's this acute realization of some substantial barrier that stands between me and the rest of my life. It strikes me that this stubborn hurdle lies in front of me.

A stubborn hurdle named cancer. Cancer's stupid. Have I mentioned that?

It's like this horrid little thief that insists on robbing me of time and energy and peace and I resent that.

I really do.

Tomorrow I have my final doctor's appointment before the surgery. It's with my plastic surgeon and we will be discussing--among other things--the glorious 'after,' I will be achieving.

I've put together a slide show of my dream boobs on my laptop for her viewing. This is an integral part of our appointment tomorrow. No one who knows me will be the slightest bit surprised by this. ;)

So I'm trying to view that as sort of a silver lining to all this cancer garbage; that it looks like I'll wind up with something that's actually an even better version than my 'before.'

Hey, it helps assuage those anxiety attacks that seem to hit when I least expect it.

A really great lesson in all this, one that's really applicable in virtually all of life's little struggles, is that the more education I glean, the greater my peace of mind. With every doctor's appointment, I find my fear, overall, abates a little more. It definitely is empowering to arm oneself with knowledge and to really endeavor to ferret out all the relevant information regardless of how impertinent and even silly it might initially seem.

I'm looking forward to that sense of peace that hopefully will follow tomorrow's appointment.

At the very least I know my doctor and I will be on the same page about cup size, and that's nothing to sneeze at! ;)

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